A Superhero Love Story

‘You two know each other?’ asked Daredevil.

‘Yeah,’ said Michael.

‘Kind of,’ said Wonder Woman, and took an increased interest in the fraying hem of her cape.

‘Kind of!’ repeated Michael. ‘We’ve been going out for six weeks!’ Daredevil raised his sunglasses, and looked Michael up and down from underneath them.

‘Really?’ he asked Wonder Woman. ‘This guy? “Bruce”?’

‘We’re not in a relationship or anything,’ muttered Wonder Woman.

‘What?’ said Michael, in disbelief.

‘And you’ve been away for ages!’ she said, turning to Daredevil.

‘Yeah,’ said Daredevil. ‘But you could’ve picked someone better than this guy. Jesus. I’m embarrassed.’ Michael’s fifth glass of wine was taking effect.

‘Oi!’ he said, stepping closer to Daredevil. Captain Planet turned around.

‘Is there a problem, guys?’ he asked, scowling at Michael.

‘No problem,’ Daredevil told him, tapping his cane leisurely against his leg. ‘Nothing I can’t handle.’

‘Look,’ said Michael. ‘This is ridiculous. You’re just some bloke dressed up as a superhero.’

‘Some bloke?’ repeated Daredevil. Captain Planet shook his head. Wolverine, overhearing, turned round and manually extended his claws.

‘I’m Daredevil,’ he said. ‘Who are you meant to be? Bruce Wayne? In that tie?’ Daredevil laughed and the others joined in. ‘Please. I don’t think so.’ Michael looked down at himself. What was wrong with his tie?

‘You’re meant to be blind,’ said Michael. ‘How can you tell?’ Captain Planet made the kind of noise that the audience make on Jerry Springer when the results of the DNA test turn up. Daredevil narrowed his eyes.

‘My radar sense allows me to perceive my surroundings,’ he said.

‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ said Michael. ‘You’re not really blind.’ Daredevil fluttered a hand over his forehead, hamming it up for the semi-circle of superheroes that had gathered around them.

‘I’m feeling weak,’ he said. ‘Vulnerable. I’m susceptible to excessive noises and odours.’ Daredevil sniffed the air.

‘And I detect…’ He paused. ‘A distinct odour of fake!’ The group of Spidermans standing to Michael’s left looked annoyed, and one of them started to pound a balled fist into his palm.

‘I knew it!’ hissed Jean Grey. Daredevil lifted his cane, and Wonder Woman rolled her eyes.

‘You’d better go home,’ she told him.

‘Yeah,’ said Captain Planet. ‘Fuck off.’ Michael started to protest, then thought better of it. He wanted to punch Daredevil in the head, maybe destroy some more of his senses, but instead he took one last reproachful look at Wonder Woman, buttoned up his coat and looked for the way out. He tried not to listen to the slow hand clap that began as he made his way to the exit. As he reached the door, the Green Hornet threw a plastic glass at his head. Michael bent down with a lump in his throat. He’d always quite liked the Green Hornet.

When Michael got home he made himself a sandwich. Then he ripped up the first Marvel comic he found, dropped the pieces in the toilet, and took a long, satisfying dump on Daredevil’s face.

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